In the 'Land of Smiles'

I had the pleasure of traveling to Bangkok recently. So there I was eagerly awaiting my call to board, with a single hand carry and a million preconceived notions. For some reason, Thailand is only associated with massages and prostitution. The nation has absolutely no problems with those that visit year after year to get more than their backs rubbed, but to limit the possibilities is to, well be a typical human being I guess.
The visa process is an eye opener in that it is one of the simplest and fastest visa to get even for someone from Pakistan not to mention the nominal visa fee. When you arrive at their humble embassy, most of the crowd you see waiting to get an access to beautiful Thailand makes you want to change your itinerary. Of course most of them are there for what we call 'kheps,' which is to smuggle cheap goods and sell them for an arm and a leg here in Pakistan. Those guys are not all bad when it comes to traveling so don't be deterred by the shalwar kameez and the two inch wide mustaches or their loud voices. Surprisingly they tend to understand that it is hush hush time on a plane. And then you will find yourself amongst the relatively younger, brasher lot that want to be able to travel to a land where they may take off the shackles of their own society and enjoy a few lusty days like Faustus, for they know they have to eventually pay Mephistopheles with their soul. I don't begrudge them their wanton happiness, to each his own. In recent years there has been a great demand for a visa to Thailand by families from Pakistan. Although they really have no idea how to have a good time in the country once they get there. Oh, don't get me wrong, there are the usual tourist 'packages' that allow you to go to all the 'most visited' or 'most enjoyable' spots accompanied by a local guide. I guess that is 'fun' for the usual family who just need a bit of change from the mundane of their own city. But if one really wants to have a look inside the ins and outs of how a city should wake up and go to bed at night the best way to travel is by yourself, learning from the natives as you go along and adopting their ways and means.
Back at the airport we are. I have always traveled economy but it so happens that I belong to a city where international flights are wary to land. So when Cathay Pacific baled out, we were left with no option but to buy a business class ticket to Bangkok on another airline or wait another week and half to get away from the load shedding. Apparently when you spend extra for a ticket you are no longer a security threat. We were literally whisked along to our lounge/waiting area/buffet hall. You are discreetly told that everything you eat in the lounge is for free. We land our tushes on the plush sofas and have a look around. An old auntie talking non-stop on the cell phone to my left, talking in one of those accents Pakistanis acquire when they have lived a number of years in USA. Where the grammar has gone to hell but you 'eat Aall you wAAnt' and 'MadAnna is a pAp star.' Enter a family comprising of women and children. Perhaps the men of the family had had enough and this was their only option to get peace in the house. Two adult (by age not by behavior) women and three female children, one male child (whining and being cajoled by one of the adult ladies). The little asshole punches his older sister for some reason and calls her names while the 'adult' continues to massage his ego. And then for the next hour we were entertained by this family eating the entire buffet and stuffing their bags with packets of chips, cans of soda, and every other thing on display. The only thing they did not put in their bags were the newspapers and magazines. Reading was clearly not one of their priorities.
Once you reach Suvarnabhumi airport the notions you had start to crumble. The airport is large to say the least, it is clean and no you will not be propositioned. It is also not cheap. The taxis that can take you to the city will charge you quite a hefty amount and funnily enough you will have a choice of luxury vehicles to travel by. The most humble SUV will cost you 1000 baht to the city centre, unless you haggle like a pro.
The city is a bouquet of old and new, modern and ancient, rich and poor. A country that is open minded about all things has a tight lipped policy about it's religious and monarchical traditions. You will see intricately decorated miniature shrines usually with some sweet thing to eat or drink left at it's tiny threshold, a dedication to their ancient elders, outside all buildings. Their king and queen can be seen smiling down from almost every hoarding and billboard. One of the things that you will need to polish is your ability to speak in sign language unless you know Thai. Be patient, they certainly are.

The modern living standards in the heart of the city leave you breathless. In the last couple of decades the progress in infrastructure Bangkok has seen is a glowing example of how to move forward and progress as a contemporary urban locale.

You can lose yourself walking along the lanes which are locally known as 'soi.' The variety of street food and the established franchises present a mish mash of the most delectable kind of buffet to choose from. There is a mall in every major district of the city that boasts of it's own specific feature or set of activities. The taxi service is the best way to travel for a new tourist since the drivers make it a mission to drop you to your as long as you are able to explain to them where you intend to go. Remember you should tell them the soi number and the name of a landmark nearby. Each place has a name. 
Another way to get around is the BTS or the sky train. Which works more or less like the underground in UK. You make a day pass of 130-200 Baht and spend according to how far you go.

The benefits of 'square one.'

It feels like there is a scream lodged in my throat and for some reason all I can do is smile. Three weeks ago I had sat on my bulging suitcase trying to zip up all my earthly belongings into the 30 kg limit we are allowed to carry through the airport. Two suitcases, three hand carries and my bag which I had purchased a short month ago from a destination that was to be my home now, Bangkok. 

I did not update my status as we started on our exciting journey away from a city which has taken so much away from me. It was as though the city was fighting back, sneering at me, sticking it's tongue out once or twice almost as though it knew what I was about to go through. There was a PTI sit in, cutting off the main arterial road which we were to take to the airport. So we decided to call an early cab, figuring it would be better to be stuck at the departure lounge than at home. 

KESC decided to remind us of one of the many reasons we were on our way to restart our lives in a strange country. In the waning light of dusk we trundled down six flights of steps with our luggage. The cabbie was an expert and managed to take us from a protest-free route. As I looked out of the car window I realized none of the scenery outside was familiar to me, we were being hastily transported through strange highways and by-allies. I felt even more alienated, as though my country had washed its hands off me. I told myself it was poetic justice that I was unable to say my last goodbyes to all the places familiar to me in this city I was 'defecting.'

There had been a heart wrenching good bye from my then husband's family, another reason for me to feel guilty for uprooting my family but I had held my nerves together. My mantra was to keep picturing a happy life and it will materialize. I do not have any friends. Never was good at keeping in touch with people for very long. Not by way of giving any excuses, but on a purely self analytical front, this personality trait of mine probably comes from having moved every six months from one geographical location to another. I said farewell to the two ladies who have bestowed me with respect that I feel I do not deserve. My children had not been to school in a little over a month and I was frantic to start my life and give them back the better conditions I had promised them. It was not to be, this time.

I wore ash grey trousers, a black dress shirt, the pearl earrings, my only buddy had given me as a parting gift and a hopeful grin as I entered my new place of work. I was introduced to the tiny lives I would be entrusted with and my plush office, as the forerunner in maintaining quality education at the early years section of an international school. I felt some of the weight on my heart lift off. My children and husband, the three individuals who had led me on this adventure sat patiently in the front office. When my children had been settled with their entrance test papers in another room, we were handed a fee challan. At first I thought I was seeing doubles and almost heard fate let out a snigger it had been holding back for so many days. I asked the secretary if perhaps she had added one too many zeros.
"No this is the fee all school teachers have to pay, it has been reduced 70 percent for employees."
Typical human reaction in the face of shocking news, denial. I proved to be quite typical that day. And so there were usual volleying of negotiations from administration to us. At one point I gave up and bought the children's books and took them with me to school, with the tiny hope that the negotiations will sway in my favor. After all this was what I had worked tirelessly for, for the past two years.

The graves are filling fast

When they dropped chemical bombs on Syria


Cover me quick,
The clouds come hither,
How do I stop from breathing?
Cover my eyes,
I can't see mother,
How will I find my way?
Cover my arms,
My skin is burning,
How do I burn alive?
Cover me all,
There are so many,
How will you bury us all?
Cover my uncle, my aunt, my brother, my father,
The graves are filling up fast,
Soon there will be no more left,
To cover us at all.

Smothered!

I grow old
Weakening with each breath I take
Watching the seeds I sowed,
Sprout new leaves.
Relishing in their strength,
Yet looking at how my roots whither.

I grow old
The wrinkles edge closer to my soul
Each step driving me further into the ground
I so proudly stood on
I am sinking
Unable to stay afloat

I grow old
The dust has all but slipped from my fingers
The days are all but done
I pack all my testaments of my own greatness
And get ready to take that eternal trip
With nothing to look back upon

I grow old
I am nothing
I was no body
I will become nothing
But you must shine
You must avenge my obliteration

As I Sit Here

Dedicated to Omran from Aleppo

As I sit here
In my orange seat
I look at you
You look back at me
I see two eyes, curious, but uncaring
You see my forehead grimy and bloodied.

There isn't much you can do for me
I am, after all, beyond your reach
You look at your children
Still warm in their beds
You are grateful to the God
That did this to me

I will sit right here and wait
Wiping my wounds with my tiny hands
Crawl out of the rubble that heaps over my head
As you barrel bomb and fill me with lead
You will forget
Like you did Alyan

So as I sit here
I think to myself
what it would take for you to cry
For my mother, father, my brothers, sisters
Not until yours will also
fall like flies

The longest year

In memory of the children we all lost on 16-12-2014 (APS Attacks in Peshawar)


It's been a year and nothing has changed,
The pillow you rested your head on
The cricket bat against the wall
The book you kept open
That day you went to school.

It's been a year and nothing has changed,
The pain whenever I remember,
The tears that fall unbidden,
The people who look at me with pity,
The heavy-footed walk to your grave.

It's been a year and nothing has changed,
The posts on Facebook with your smiling faces,
The comments of remorse,
The shaking of the heads at your memory,
The sharing and re-tweeting of apologies.

It's been a year and nothing has changed,
The hangings in your name,
The songs of bravery and valor for you,
The debating over how wrong it was,
The indecision on who to blame.

It's been a year and nothing has changed,
The hypocrisy
The excuses
The games
The questions

It's been a year and nothing has changed,
The war has raged only in peripherals,
They have not learned a single lesson,
They'll never know what they lost that day,
It was not just a school full of children

It's been a year and nothing has changed,
Your murderers still lurk around my love,
They have taken lives in France,
They have made little children from Syria drown
They continue to snuff out innocence.

It's been a year and nothing has changed!

Leaving home

This is dedicated to Alan and Galib, the two who only wanted to be safe. They were too young to understand this world is not for children.

Come sleep in my arms child
I shall rock you to sleep
Let me cover you in warmth child
my bosom is deep.

Come sleep in my arms child
for mercy is in death.
Leave this place for the cruel child
let this be your last breath

Come sleep in my arms child
I shall wash you ashore
there is trouble in the land child
it's humans they abhor

Come sleep in my arms child
for your mother needs rest
they have been running for too long child
and daddy doesn't know what's best

Come sleep in my arms child
or they will riddle you with guns
your home is their war ground child
they will ravage you in turns.

Come sleep in my arms child
shut your eyes, go to sleep
Play hide and seek child
And let them all weep!